We’ve got to make some changes

I’ve been so preoccupied with my children that I’ve completely neglected myself and my marriage. I stepped on the scale a few days ago and was shocked by the number that flashed before my eyes.
320 lbs
How did I let it get this bad? Why did I let it get this bad? I miss my husband. I miss cooking real food. I miss working out at the YMCA. But now, I’m just embarrassed. How do I join a gym now? How do I sweat and swear at myself in my head while in the back of my mind knowing I’m needed at home? I was already so self conscious about people judging me before, now…I’m feeling like I can’t even bring myself to walk into a gym and sign up.
I’m so tired, and I’m tired if being tired. I’m tired of fast food, and take out, and junk. I’m tired of autism. I’m tired of therapy. I’m tired of being so tired I can’t even enjoy quiet, alone time with my husband.
I never thought I would say this, but I’m tired of being a mom. I just want to crawl in bed, hide under the covers, and be left alone. And at the same time, I want to scream at everyone.
My oldest son had his first baseball game yesterday. Jonah and Luke were horrible. So there we were, trying to watch the first baseball game while Jonah and Luke cried, wriggled, screamed, and threw fits. And then it happened. My son was up to bat. Jonah and Luke settled, and we all watched. It was wonderful…until two kids in he he field started laughing at him for missing the pitches. My son is five. This is a league for five and six year olds. So you can imagine my fury while my son is being made fun of and laughed at. And that’s when I realized that I’m fucked.
If I can’t even protect Jude, who is the most social, happy, peaceful child in the world, how the hell am I going to protect Jonah? I am so sick of everyone. I’m sick of other kids who are mean, of parents who do nothing, and of being overweight.
Jonah’s IEP meeting was this morning and I guess I am happy with the results. He will be in the afternoon preschool for special education children. He will also get speech and OT. And his teacher took two pages worth of notes about him. It sounds good. They are even going to incorporate a hiding spot in the room for Jonah to go to in the event he becomes overwhelmed. I was a little surprised by the fact that the team had already written goals without me, explained what their goals were, and then asked me to sign…without reading any of the information in the packets, evaluations, or goals for myself.
I signed it. Mainly because they said I could change anything at any time. But also because I just want to be done with all this. I’m putting my faith in the school district, and I hope I’m not making a mistake in doing that. I just want him to go to school, be with other kids, and have fun. I’m so tired of everyone correcting his words, trying different sensory inputs, and pushing him. I just want to let him be a kid. Let him line up his cars. Let him watch movies. Let him run around in nothing but a diaper, doing whatever he wants because he is a kid. Not everything has to have a purpose. Some things should just be fun.

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2 thoughts on “We’ve got to make some changes”

  1. Just know you have a perfect right to be exhausted and fed up, and that it’s okay to feel sometimes that you don’t want to be a mom. I hope you can find small ways to care for yourself in this very difficult time. And I hope that once this initial phase of working toward appropriate diagnoses, treatment, and education is over that life will become at least a little more peaceful.
    -Amy

  2. Wow can I relate to this post. And I have another layer to add on. Actually doing something for yourself and being so exhausted that you don’t even enjoy it. I am training for a half marathon and every run makes me more angry. I feel like Cooper sucks all of the energy out of me and I have nothing left to give to Sawyer or my dogs or my husband. And the list goes on. The house. The laundry. 🙂 I get it friend. Start small. That’s what I did. I work out at 8 pm at night in my basement. And I hate it. But it’s the only time I get to myself. Good luck!

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